Did He Mean The Things He Said?

Posted by on 01 14 15 in Romance Addiction | Comments Off on Did He Mean The Things He Said?

When he told you over crème brulee and espresso that he thought he was falling in love with you, you believed him. Sure, it was only the third date, but he looked at you with such ardor and spoke so breathlessly that you were convinced he meant what he said.

He kept this up for several more weeks, talking of the road trip he wanted to take with you, and how much his mother was going to love you, and did you want to help him pick out new bedding at Target — any bedding, really, as long as it had you in it?

Did He Mean Those Amazing Things He Said - LoveAddictionTreatment.comYou quieted the warning voice in your head that told you he was going too fast. It felt so right being with him. You’d heard stories of whirlwind romances that morphed into long marriages, so why couldn’t that happen to you?

Because you’re dating someone who’s not good for you, that’s why. Whether he’s a pathological womanizer or just got himself in over his head, one thing is clear: He didn’t really mean any of the things he said.

So Why Did He Say Things He Didn’t Mean?

Some people intentionally manufacture a fantasy future together. They do this for any number of reasons. They want sex. They want more intense sex than you might ordinarily have, unless you think you’ve found your soul mate. They want to keep you on the hook until someone newer comes along. Sometimes, they’re addicted to seduction: It’s a power trip to get women to fall in love with them.

Others aren’t intentionally manipulative. They get carried away by their own feelings, which are fleeting. When they talk about future plans, they’re essentially talking conceptually.

In the moment, whisking you off on a trip sounds great. But when you try to finalize the plans, they get evasive. Not because they were lying about the things they said, but because they weren’t actually thinking about manifesting the plans. They certainly weren’t thinking that there was a person on the other end of the conversation who took them at their word, and would end up getting hurt.

It’s Not About You

You didn’t necessarily do anything to make him renege on the relationship he dangled in front of you. People who love-bomb someone they’ve just met, or make noises about a future before it’s time, are generally not emotionally available. They want the “high” of a new relationship, but don’t want to do the work that genuine intimacy requires.

So instead of collapsing into a heartbroken heap wondering if anything they said was true, consider the signs that you’re with someone who actually means what they say.

What People Who Want A Real, Substantial Relationship Do:

Ask Real Questions

People who are genuine about wanting a substantive relationship ask questions that invite conversations beyond sex and your “amazing future” plans together. That way you learn whether you share common values — the foundation of any lasting relationship.

They Listen To You

People who are chasing a high don’t really listen to you. They talk primarily about themselves or they appear to be focusing intently on you because they’re in the wooing stage. But because they want a high, and not a real relationship, their interest will wane as soon as you become a real person with expectations and needs. Conversely, people who are genuine about wanting to be with you will care about what you have to say.

They Deliver

Words are easy — especially from the mouths of charismatic smooth-talkers. But if you brush away what people say, and focus on their actions, you’ll begin to see who they really are. Do they tell you how much they miss you, but they can’t seem to make plans to get together? Or they cancel at the last minute? Do the initial flowery proclamations of desire soon wither to sporadic texts when they’re hoping for a hook-up?

We’ve all been swept up in big talk and flattery. And we’ve all been let down when the talk turns into empty promises. The only way to know if someone means what he says is to watch what he does. And that’s something you won’t know until the high of infatuation subsides.

By Virginia Gilbert, MFT
Follow Virginia Gilbert on Twitter: @VGilbertMFT

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